Chapter 1-A Family, Some Cats, and a Wildebeest
Oliver McBubbins was not like most children his age. For starters, he didn’t know his last name was McBubbins. At least not yet.
When he was born, his name was Oliver Wallace. That is because his dad’s last name was Wallace, and so that’s how he was known. He would one day meet the people who knew his real name, but for now Wallace was the only last name he knew. Interestingly, from the moment Oliver was born his dad called him Bubby, which quickly turned into Bubbins, which transformed itself at times into McBubbins! This was not an accident because there is no such thing.
When Oliver was born he was very cute. In fact, his mom’s words when she first saw him were “he’s cute!” His head was round, his skin looked tanned, and his hands were thick. But the ears! There are many types of ears that people get and Oliver got a very interesting kind. They are largish, and they stick out. That is not uncommon. But they also flatten at the top. There is no rollover of ear material there. All in all, his ears looked rather elfish. Oliver McBubbins (or Wallace) looked like this:
It needs to be said that when Oliver’s mom saw the ears (right after announcing his cuteness to the world) she said “oh no, he’s got my ears!” That is because she grew up with elfish ears, and never liked them. She used to beg her parents to pin them back, and when they didn’t let her she simply covered them with her hair. Oliver’s mom was worried that Oliver wouldn’t have long hair to cover his ears with, and that kids in school would some day make fun of him. She thought this because kids are mean.
Just so you know, Oliver may have had the most beautiful mom in the world. She was tall and lovely and in good shape despite loving ice cream, brownies, cake, and cookies. She had long blond hair and when it was pulled back, her ears only made her cuter. She didn’t know that, though.
Oliver’s dad was in most ways average. Medium height, medium build, medium shirt size, medium shoes, medium everything. But he was surprisingly athletic, and had straight, white teeth. Oliver’s mom always said she was with his dad for his teeth. This was not a lie, but she was really with him because she knew he had a big heart and was a good person. This good nature combined with straight teeth gave Oliver’s dad a smile that his mother couldn’t resist.
All together, Oliver’s family looked like this:
Growing up for Oliver was lots of fun. As soon as he could crawl he chased after the two cats he’d long had his sights set on. They were Stanley and Lewis. Lewis was sweet and slept 22 hours each day. Stanley was grouchy. Oliver got most of his scratches from Stanley. Surely Stanley got some scratches from Oliver too, but he hid them under his black fur. Did I mention Stanley was husky? The picture of the complete family looked something like this:
As soon as Oliver could run (he skipped right past walking), the cats remained wonderful indoor entertainment. However, right across the street there was a PARK! He didn’t care that the pool was basically an overgrown bathtub, emptied every night. No siree bob, that pool was high quality goodness. And there were swings and a slide and a teeter-totter (even though those things can be difficult) and big trees and a field and basketball and SAND and a tire swing and...well...lots of great stuff! The park years make up a whole era in Oliver’s mind. He loved that era.
And then school started. School is not as fun as the park. School is not as fun as chasing cats. School is not even as fun as being scratched by Stanley. School is BORING. It’s not really hard for Oliver, he figures things out well enough on his own. And it’s not too easy, either. It’s just filled with lots of sitting down. At first it was cool, drawing and painting and running and so forth, but then words like “mathematics” and “phonics” and “quiz” started getting thrown around, and a lot more sitting happened. BORING. Oliver doesn’t really like sitting. Oliver is a man of action. He’s not violent, don’t get the wrong idea. He just NEEDS to play. A lot.
It is time to feel sorry for Oliver’s parents. They liked to do things like nap and watch a movie and visit wine country and go to the grocery store, but it is safe to say that Oliver made these things very difficult. None of these activities were fun enough by themselves, so Oliver would, as they say, “bring the noise.” Napping and noise do not get along very well. Thankfully for Oliver’s parents, 16 hours of running require an 8 hour daily charge, so they did actually sleep. Sadly, Oliver did not need wine country to recharge his batteries, so that was eliminated. The grocery store would have been dropped as well if not for the fact that humans (no matter how special) have to eat to stay alive. So it stayed, but the experience changed quite a bit. To Oliver’s parents the grocery store used to be relaxing, quality family time. Now it was more like juggling chainsaws. Oh, and the chainsaws are wrapped in barbed wire and set on fire. While balancing on one foot. While blindfolded and holding a...well, you get the idea!
One day, after 8 glorious hours of sleep, Oliver’s parents woke up to the realization that their wild (yet loving) little boy was becoming a wild little man. He was going to turn 10 in a few short months and was displaying more and more independence every day. On this particular morning, Oliver’s dad had an epiphany. He owes this epiphany to the morning newspaper, because that’s where it actually came from. He was enjoying his Saturday morning coffee with the paper, when he noticed an advertisement for a summer camp. And not just any summer camp, but one for children ages 10 through 12 who like to play in the woods! “Perfecto” Oliver’s dad thought (sometimes he thought in Spanish, for no particular reason). Oliver was going to be 10 by the time the camp started, so he could go. Oliver’s dad was overwhelmed by thoughts of 8 ½ hours of sleep, wine tasting, reading, watching movies, and actually enjoying the store. In fact he was so overwhelmed that Oliver’s mom needed to slap his face to finally stop the drunken smile and glazed eyes that Oliver’s dad held for a half-hour straight!
Once awakened from his reverie, Oliver’s dad approached Oliver with the subject, fearing the worst. Children, after all, are completely random and Oliver’s dad didn’t like a 50% chance at freedom (even though he had a 0% chance now). But Oliver’s dad was not stupid, and knew how to phrase a question. He said:
“Oliver, would you like to play this summer...”
“Yes.”
“But I haven’t even finished...”
“Yes.”
“Bubby, listen I...”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then,” Oliver’s dad said, and the issue was resolved.
It would be a good many years before Oliver fully understood why his mom and dad were so happy that day. And why they drank so much at dinner that night, toasting each and every glass poured. At the time he wrote it off as typical, weird-old-person-stuff, but little did he know that they were celebrating a huge change in their lives. Little did his parents know, however, that the change in Oliver’s life would be the most important thing they could ever do.
Chapter 2-Stillwater’s Not Just a Place in Oklahoma
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
This was not going well.
“I WANT TO PLAY IN THE PARK, NOT THE WOODS WITH A BUNCH OF WEIRDOS!”
Not going well at all.
Have you ever put a cat into its travel case? Probably. Have you ever done so after grabbing the cat out from underneath a bed, which only serves to scare that cat worse than ever? Again, probably. Have you ever played catch with a cat over a pit of snarling pit bulls, and then tried to put a cat in a case where a pit bull’s head was coming in through the other side? I’m pretty sure no one has ever done that, but just imagine what that would be like for a second. Go ahead, imagine. I’ll draw a picture of what that may look like. While you stare at it in wonderment, consider (if you can!) what this would actually be like. Give yourself a good 30 seconds. Ready, go.
All done? Good. With the image in your head, realize that it was harder to get Oliver in the car than that cat in its case. Seriously.
It stopped mattering long ago that Oliver “agreed” to go. He didn’t realize what he was agreeing to, and claimed that his dad duped him. (In fact, Oliver had only recently begun using the word “yes” at all, and he was probably just using it in that obsessed, I-just-learned-this-word kind of way). The truth is that Oliver’s dad intended to explain when asking originally, but Oliver was so “excited” that it didn’t seem necessary. Besides, everyone knew that Oliver loved the outdoors. Oliver’s dad used this knowledge to convince himself that Oliver really did agree to going to the camp. He changed the story in his head from what actually happened to a much more agreeable one.
Here’s the “new” story. Compare and contrast if you’d like:
“Oliver, would you like to play this summer at a camp filled with fun and wonderment?”
“Really?”
“Really. There’s a lake with a swing, big trees, fun games, kids your age, and toasted marshmallows every single night!”
“Wow Dad! That sounds like the best place in the whole wide world!”
“I'm pretty sure it is.”
“One more thing though.”
“What is it, son (fearing the worst)?”
“You are the best Dad ever made!”
This story is made possible by the fact that Oliver’s dad suffers from a common condition – he is human. For whatever reason, humans tend to change their memories, as long as such a change is beneficial. That is clearly what Oliver’s dad did here.
Anyhow, back to the action. Things were not pretty on that car ride to the camp. The drive was two-and-a-half hours (in a hybrid, of course, because Oliver’s parents don’t completely hate the earth), and this gave Oliver a chance to try out all the bad words he had learned at school. Well, learned may not be the best way to describe it. Perhaps heard is more appropriate, because he had a flimsy grasp on most of them.
It must be said here that Oliver’s parents taught him as much discipline as possible to this point. However, let us not forget that Oliver is borderline feral. Perhaps he could have been diagnosed with some disorder starting with hyper- or attention-, but Oliver’s parents did not want a medicated child. They weren’t Scientologists or anything, but everyone is entitled to their own parenting methods.
Where were we? Oh yeah, bad words. It was hard for Oliver’s parents on that drive. Not because Oliver was a wild animal, they were used to that. But because his bad words were used so incorrectly. Oliver could not have understood how completely hilarious this was to his parents. And let me say that it is not easy to yell at a child while being entertained. I will not repeat the words he used, because they are still bad by themselves and five or six kids may someday read this. If you really need similar entertainment, I recommend writing down all the bad words you know, and then randomly combine two or three at a time. But you won’t learn any from me!
Thankfully the hybrid (and not a hybrid SUV, that’s just stupid) finally pulled off the main road. By this point Oliver was bound and gagged, gently of course. The area was actually quite beautiful. Broken sunlight fell through the tall, thin evergreens. The hybrid (which still had over three-quarters of a tank!) climbed the dirt road through the thick forest. The worn ruts were deep and smooth. It would have been difficult to actually go off the path.
Finally the hybrid (easily) crested the hill. Two things made themselves known at once. An old sign appeared out of nowhere. Although it was quite worn, the lettering must have been recently painted. It looked like this:
Camp Stillwater
The second attention grabber gave Oliver’s dad the chills, although he did not know why. It did not do so to Oliver’s mom because she was busy turning the radio down. Why did it always seem so loud when arriving at a destination anyhow? It wasn’t too loud five minutes ago. And Oliver didn’t notice anything because he was mere seconds away from freeing his arms, to be followed by certain mayhem. But Oliver’s dad had chills. That is because the body of water in the distance looked exactly like the picture on the sign. The sun’s position in the sky was the same. The reflection of the sun on the water was the same. The wispy clouds in the background were the same. The color of the reflection, the water, the sun and even the slight ripple pattern was exactly the same. Even the family hybrid was in the picture!
Not really. There was no hybrid. That would just be creepy. But I had you going there, huh?
OK, everything else was the same, and Oliver’s dad’s goose bumps said that it was weird. Obviously it must look like the sign sometimes, why else would that picture be on the sign? It was the timing that made it bizarre. This coincidence made Oliver’s dad feel so calmed that even Oliver must have felt it, for he didn’t attack with his newly freed hands. Instead he just untied his mouth, and said “I still HATE this!”
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