The Need For Fulfillment

This first part is not part of this post. Just a notification. I've recently discovered that the sidebar doesn't show up when this blog is viewed with Internet Explorer (just one more reason to hate this browser). So those of you who've experienced frustration with leaving comments, following, and so forth should use Mozilla Firefox instead. Now, on to the other non-important stuff.

A couple people have read this thing in the past, and the general consensus is that funny is appreciated. Well here comes disappointment. First of all, I'm too dry to be very funny. Secondly, this post is going to be cathartic if anything. I apologize in advance.

A strange thing has happened with this writing outlet of mine. It has become a focal point itself in many ways. Much like taking pictures or video only to immediately watch what just occurred. I find myself looking at my life through the filter of how I can write about it, and that's not the point. I want to live first, and write in a way that allows me to release the pressure of what's in my head. So I haven't written in a while. I've been to San Diego, Portland, and done numerous entertaining things since then, but I just needed time to live. And some pressure has built up.

I have learned that my life has check-points. I think most people have them. Everyone has heard of a "mid-life crisis." Those who experience only this check-point are probably very happy overall. Some people experience check-points often, and they are generally depressed. They explode upon me once or twice each year. As you may have guessed, I'm in the midst of one now. It's not a pleasant experience, but it is the place where life-altering decisions are made.

In my life there has been much discussion on the topic of "Choose Your Own Adventure" books lately. You know, read a couple paragraphs and then choose from the three options at the bottom of the page. I think this is a rudimentary example of how life works. People live, get all emotional about their personal dramas, and react. But every once in a while a truly important decision arises, the result of which sends that person on a path to experience certain dramas until the next important decision. We set ourselves up to encounter those things that we need the most, and when we don't ignore the lessons we can move on to a different drama.

I am stuck wondering what to do with my life.

As you may know, I love disclaimers. I won't spell them out individually here, but know that I AM happy. I love my wife, I love my son, I love my home, and I am grateful to be employed at a time like this in our history. I have great friends, and I genuinely like spending time with them. But something is missing that none of these factors can fill.

I need to find what makes Matt happy.

I worry so much about the happiness of others that I forget to live. I want Nancy to be pleased with me constantly. And when I feel like (or know) I have failed, I get disoriented. Sorry Nancy that I'm not my best at these times.

I want to be the best Dad possible, but when I feel like doing something that doesn't involve Oliver, I feel guilty. I love you my son, but sometimes daddy needs time to himself. It has nothing to do with you.

I write things about appreciating my father-in-law, and immediately feel guilty that I haven't expressed similar feelings in writing about my own parents. I'm sorry Mom and Dad that I haven't written about you yet. Hopefully you know that I love you because I've actually told you so - many, many times throughout our lives. I don't say things I don't mean.

If a friend gets excited about something, I try to help them achieve their goals if I can. I just feel bad when I can't dedicate myself because I want to spend time with my family.

When I see my work go through a difficult time, I just want to help because I think I can. Plus I feel like I'll feel fulfilled because I could actually use some of the skills I paid thousands of dollars to acquire through school and help someone I care about at the same time. Except I'm not sure I'd actually feel fulfilled or if I'm just imagining things. And I feel bad when I put Deb in the difficult position of telling me I can't help her financially. I understand that everyone there is a family member or a friend or both, and there's potential for weirdness. I'm sorry that I didn't major in marketing.

At the end of the day, I've always known that something good will happen to me. Again, this isn't a family thing. It's most closely a career thing, although I'm not sure it has to be. I just know myself better than anyone else possibly could. A lot of things have happened in my life that have resulted in a lot of soul-searching. And I KNOW that I am honest to my core. I KNOW that I truly care about the happiness of others, and I mean people that I don't know too. I KNOW that I don't have ulterior motives. And so I've been sure that being a good person would bring to me, eventually, something that makes me feel fulfilled. Just typing this makes me feel awful, because Nancy could read this sentence and think that she isn't enough and neither is Oliver. I am glad that Nancy knows what I mean, though. She knows that I mean making a positive impact on the world around me, and being able to make a living in the process.

I'm sorry that being good isn't enough to make me happy. I'm sorry that I am a middle-class, white male who finds room to complain in a world filled with difficulty. But comparisons have never been real enough to remove me from my own emotional body. I am human, and my story is just one of many. But it's very real to me.

At the risk of offending some, the problem is not spiritual either. If anything, this area is one of my strengths. The soul-searching that I've mentioned has led me to an inner peace that can't be summed up by one traditional religion. Nor is it a conglomeration, per se. It is simply what I believe to be true, what I have felt quite deeply at times throughout my life.

Sometimes at the end of the day, I reflect and notice what my motivations have been. They are generally the desires and expectations of others. And then I resist. But not for long. The cycle always starts over again. And I don't necessarily want to stop it. I will always love people, but when will I love myself?

So this is where I shut off my computer, turn off the lights, and hope that tomorrow is the day that the answers come.