Be Careful What You Ask For, You Will Get It!

"It's funny when things change so much. It's all state of mind."
-Eddie Vedder, on the song "In Hiding"

I am aware that this is quickly becoming a forum to update the various phases of my unemployment, but I am not planning on changing the name of my blog. That just happens to be my perspective right now. Plus, some of you may be interested in the latest in this ongoing saga.

Speaking of perspective, I think it's an important part of this phase of the story. A lot of people feel a lot of different ways about life. But I think by and large people try to do the best they can with what life deals them, and they hope that hard work and good choices will lead to a quality life.

I'm learning to disagree.

I don't find that life deals me anything at all. I deal life to myself. I've known this on a deep level, but it's almost like I forgot. And when inexplicable things happen, it's hard to remember. I've believed this for some time, but now I'm starting to practice it. The results so far are subtle, but no less stunning to me.

I know, why would people choose to have a car accident or get attacked, etc. The short answer is, I don't know. But choices have after-effects, and that's the best I can say for someone else's decision. For myself, when something difficult happens it is for a reason. I'm starting to see it clearly. There's a lesson in everything, so getting emotionally resistant is of no use. Looking for the message is all that matters.

What am I talking about? Why the philosophy all of a sudden? The job situation, of course.

And I should say before moving on that it seemed terrible the way the Tin Woodsman thing happened. But the truth is that I was ready to move on - very ready - and getting let go allowed me to do that, collect money through unemployment, and spend quality time with Oliver (including potty training!).

But I forgot that leaving was what I wanted, and got very down. Then I got better, little by little, until I saw a movie that reminded me what I knew in my soul. Then I started making conscious choices, from what I want specifically to what kinds of emotions I will allow to enter my being. As I've mentioned, the change in me has been transformative.

Which is a long way of introducing what happened the last couple of days. As I was about to leave Kat's house (after working on building a stone wall) on Tuesday, I received a call from a company I applied with called Spirit Leatherworks. Oliver was grouchy because I just woke him up, I had an armful of stuff, and the girl on the other end wanted to give me a phone interview. Major shift of focus, to say the least!

I ambled through, not really remembering anything about the job I had applied for. I was sure I'd get an interview though. Because it's what I asked for. Literally.

Forty-five minutes later, I was called back to schedule an interview for Thursday. See what happens when you ask?

So I went to the interview, and although I wasn't sure if I wanted the job at all I was nervous. Nervousness is not something I can stop with logic alone, apparently. Anyhow, the guy I was going to interview with (Rob) was really busy, so I interviewed with two people underneath him instead. It really wasn't necessary, and I realize they did this just to be polite, but we all played our parts and went through with it. Near the end, Rob came in and said he wanted to interview me the next day - Friday.

I went home thinking little of it, although I knew the way everything happened was unusual. I honestly didn't really care. I'm not looking for usual.

When I went in on Friday, I wasn't nervous and I had questions. My main concern was getting offered a job I didn't like and not having the wisdom to make a clear decision. This time Rob came out of his office promptly and took me to another building. Once the door opened to the other building, I was intrigued. There were belts hanging on all the walls, it smelled wonderfully of leather, and people were sitting at tables talking about what they liked and didn't like about a certain design.

Soon after the door closed to the room I'd interview in, my concern grew. Rob was a dynamic guy, much to my surprise, and I knew that if he wanted me to have the job telling him "no" was going to be difficult.

And then it happened. I started liking him. Why? He wanted to know about my last job and he wanted to know the truth. He was adamant about it. And so I told him, and it felt good, and he understood! Then he told me that my resume was good, but I could make it better. The honesty was such that I didn't hear criticism at all. I heard a reasonable human being.

He went on to tell me that there were 250 applicants, 9 resumes stood out, 1 failed the phone interview, and then 3 were chosen for real interviews. Of those three, one girl was perfect, one person needed to (in his opinion) finish school first, and the other person was me.

He said he wouldn't hire me for this job because it was beneath me. I was so relieved that I wasn't disappointed at all. He said I'd be going crazy within 3 months.

Then he said he wanted me to work there. Huh?

Here's the thing; they're a young company and growing like crazy, and this guy is wise enough to know that successful businesses employ good people. Who knew? And he could tell I was a good person (fooled him, eh?!).

We had a great talk. I know he is busy, but I could've talked to him for a long time. I was very energized. It was a confirmation of what I always knew: if I work hard and carry myself with integrity then things will work out. Plus I've started choosing - very consciously - to make money doing something that is fulfilling at a place that understands that I'm talented.

The end of the story is that I will work there. Rob is talking to the owner today ("We're talking about a lot of things, and 10 minutes or less will be about you. But we will talk about Matthew Trent"). He wants to find something for me to do, be it financial, management or otherwise. He just wants me because he can tell that I have a fire inside.

AND HE'S RIGHT!!!

My fire is burning hot, on logs of intention.

Eat (whenever I want and with minimal exercise), Pray (for the perfect job to appear on the internet), Love (my time with Oliver)

So, I'm beginning to get the hang of this unemployment thing. Much has changed since my last rant, and I'm starting to fear that I'm getting too comfortable. Barring some miracle where I become rich overnight (like the publishing of a young-adult coming-of-age novel, for example), I will have to again work. Just the thought of it is frightening. Now I know how Michael Vick felt when he got out of jail. "You mean I have to play in the NFL now?" Like that dog murderer, I am rapidly getting out of shape.

The upside is I am writing like it is my job. Which of course it is not. I don't have one! But I enjoy it more than anything.

I know what you're thinking. I enjoy raising Oliver more than anything. That's true of course, but I don't need to list it every time I rate fulfillment, do I? Or Nancy? I mean, if I were to get three wishes I wouldn't first wish for air to breathe, would I? Obviously nothing else works without that, but it's there along with the sun shining already. I'll tell you what, from now on whenever I talk about happiness and don't list Oliver or Nancy, just assume they occupy the top two slots. Then we don't have to worry about being bogged down in useless paragraphs like this one anymore. But I digress.

Back to the writing thing. I started this project on the Oliver story in such a way that enough people being interested would drive me to actually finish the story. So far it's definitely been enough to keep me writing. The flip side is, now that it's not my turn I am lost. So I'm reading.

And here's the point of this whole thing. I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. You may have heard of it? Anyway, it's good and a bestseller for a reason. Read it. But that's not the point.

The point is, she's searching herself because of crisis in her life. Who hasn't? Fortunately for us, she's been kind enough to write about the experience and the story started before she started to improve. Which I thought was interesting, because my whole life has been based around self-searching and I only seem to write about it when I'm really up or really down. I decided to give the middle a shot. Here goes.

Oh yeah, I'm pretty unoriginal too. So I'll compare to what I'm reading, but it still seems interesting to me to do so. I've been thinking about it a lot. But I'm only in the first of three parts. I guess we'll soon find out how much that matters.

She (Liz) was married because she thought she should be and resenting the expectation of having children, which she didn't really want. But she had a really great job that paid her well for doing something she loves - writing. To be true to herself she acknowledged she didn't want kids, or even her husband for that matter. She went through an ugly divorce, but as the main breadwinner, she came out the other side able to travel for a whole year!

On the other hand, I married Nancy because I love her so much it sometimes makes me grit my teeth to the point that I fear they might break. And if that doesn't damage the pearly-whites then my love for Oliver is sure to. He was born because that's what we wanted. It hasn't felt wrong for a second and I don't expect it ever will. However, it is my job situation that has me reeling. I went through a divorce of sorts, but it wasn't so ugly for me as much as for the kids born of that relationship (co-workers). I too love writing, and although I once got an A+ in a 100-level writing class, I have yet to receive a cent for my imposing skill.

My search is different, and yet it's the same.

The first place Liz went was Italy. She had no real agenda other than to learn Italian and eat. Italian because it's beautiful, eat because...because it's Italy! The whole country is based around eating, for the love of God!

The first place I went was home. I ate because I have to stay alive. But quickly my life turned into Italy, and the whole day is based around food. "I need to get Oliver up so we can eat breakfast together, I need to stop working so I can feed Oliver lunch, he needs to eat now so he can sleep soon and be up from his nap at a reasonable time." Etc. As it turns out, eating responsibly means that it takes a few minutes to prepare food, clean up, and so on. Chunks of day gone, but I don't mind. I can eat what I want, and for the most part whenever I want. (Halloween candy, however, is a curse.)

But the beauty in my life is two-fold. I will take back in part what I said earlier, because it involves Oliver. But being around him so much is wonderful. Sometimes, of course, I want to put him in a basket and float him down the river. Not doing so is teaching me a lot about the depths of patience. The other times are great. I love the unsolicited, "I love you Dad," or "Oller tired," or even, "I miss Mama." I love that he's wearing underwear. That couldn't happen if I wasn't around all the time. I love wrestling him for as long as he wants, and not having to hurry up because lunch time is almost over. And I really love snuggling under a blanket with him and watching a movie. Am I a good parent? Eh, who knows? I just figure if I'm loving our time together then that love will make him a good person, somehow. And if that's true, he'll be great.

The other beauty of my life is writing. And reading this book makes me realize that what makes great writing isn't necessarily learned in school. She is funny, self-deprecating, insightful about herself, and she touches on a nerve that applies to most everyone. That's why her book is a bestseller.

Hell, I can do that.

At least I hope so. Do I want to have a book published? I'd be lying if I said no. But I understand the doubt. Why me, anyway?

Why not.

Also, does it matter? Isn't enjoying writing enough? I've actually found myself avoiding writing jobs because I'm afraid it will take away the magic. I'm probably right, too. So I keep looking at the other stuff, and I am not inspired. I am enjoying this time in my life that is suddenly filled with wonder. By helping mold a child's imagination I am molding my own. And I'm finding that imagination is powerful and easily discounted. Just know this: if I am a published author, reasonably wealthy, and living in an Italianate-style house in the next couple years, then you should remember this blog and talk to me. You can do it, too.

I am loving my personal Italy. Next up in the book is India, for spirituality. I've been so focused on that for over a decade that it sometimes makes me one-dimensional. What I'm really looking forward to is Bali. The fusing of enjoyment and a deeper meaning. Hopefully I can apply that to my life.

And when I do, I'll get back to you.

Section 5 - Part II

It's funny that I "split" this section after I had written 15 pages. It is now slightly lopsided, as the next half is 37. But it's about baseball, and moves pretty quickly. Trust me, it wrote very quickly. Most of this was written in less than a week. I have become a medium for this story, and am no longer the author.

By the way, this section is up. Click on the title to check it out. For those of you who only get this as an email, click http://olivermcbubbins.wordpress.com/